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Posted under Miscellanea at .
Tags:psychology, satire

Yes you. We’re going to call you Aspie. Because it’s kinder, and easier to say.”

It’s not that I mind. And it is easier. But, I thought, and keep thinking. Cleopatra killed herself by clasping an Aspie to her breast.

Cleopatra with Aspie

Or two, following Shakespeare. Poor Aspies. Smuggled in a basket of figs, made to bite everyone . . . and then? Where do you go after that? Holding down a normal job can be hard enough. If all you’ve ever learned is biting, though . . . Well, presumably there’s some demand for it?

Somewhere, there’s a story in this . . . 

CLEOPATRAGive me my robe, put on my crown; I have
Immortal longings in me. Now no more
The juice of Egypt’s grape shall moist this lip:——
Yare, yare, good Iras; quick.——Methinks I hear
Antony call. I see him rouse himself
To praise my noble act. I hear him mock
The luck of Caesar, which the gods give men
To excuse their after wrath. Husband, I come:
Now to that name my courage prove my title!
I am fire and air; my other elements
I give to baser life.——So,——have you done?
Come then, and take the last warmth of my lips.
Farewell, kind Charmian. Iras, long farewell.
[Kisses them. IRAS falls and dies.]
Have I the Aspie in my lips? Dost fall?
If thus thou and nature can so gently part,
The stroke of death is as a lover’s pinch,
Which hurts and is desir’d. Dost thou lie still?
If thou vanishest, thou tell’st the world
It is not worth leave-taking.

CHARMIANDissolve, thick cloud, and rain, that I may say
The gods themselves do weep.

CLEOPATRA  This proves me base:
If she first meet the curled Antony,
He’ll make demand of her, and spend that kiss
Which is my heaven to have.——Come, thou mortal wretch,
[To an ASPIE, which she applies to her breast.]


CLEOPATRAWith thy sharp teeth this knot intrinsicate
Of life at once untie: poor venomous fool,
Be angry and dispatch. O couldst thou speak,
That I might hear thee call great Caesar ass

FIRST ASPIE  Mm tryng tw, bt gt smthng
N my mwth hyr.

CHARMIAN  O Eastern star!

CLEOPATRA  Peace, peace!
Dost thou not see my baby at my breast
That sucks the nurse asleep?

Don’t really know what this is all——

CLEOPATRA  Peace, peace!
Dost thou not see my hand at thy throat
That holds fast to thy leash?

CHARMIAN  O, break! O, break!

CLEOPATRAAs sweet as balm, as soft as air, as gentle——
O Antony! Nay, I will take thee too: [Applying another ASPIE to her arm.]
Have done, away—— [Falls on a bed.]

The day thus bright before mine rest is ended?
What cause then for rising?

FIRST ASPIE  I see the matter;
Our fate is not to ever rest in Fruit.
’Tis time at last to test thy bite; thus are
We called, to put our sharpest skills to use.
So long it is we dreamed in figs, we have
Forgot our dire fatality, so we
May grateful be, our work has come at last.
And thus——

CLEOPATRA  I’ll not wait for this, poor wretch; I
care not how longer than an Aspie’s tooth
is thankful Aspie’s speech; enough of thee.
What should I stay—— [Dies.]

CHARMIAN  In this vile world? So, fare thee well.
Now boast thee, death, in thy possession lies
A lass unparallel’d. Downy windows, close;
And golden Phoebus never be beheld
Of eyes again so royal! Your crown’s awry;
I’ll mend it and then play——
[Enter the GUARD, rushing in.]

FIRST GUARD  Where’s the Queen?

CHARMIANSpeak softly, wake her not.

FIRST GUARDCaesar hath sent——

CHARMIAN  Too slow a messenger. [Applies an ASPIE.]
O, come apace, dispatch. I partly feel thee.

FIRST GUARDApproach, ho! All’s not well: Caesar’s beguil’d.

SECOND GUARDThere’s Dolabella sent from Caesar; call him.

FIRST GUARDWhat work is here! Charmian, is this well done?

CHARMIANIt is well done, and fitting for a princess
Descended of so many royal kings. Ah, soldier! [CHARMIAN dies.]

THIRD ASPIEWhat? Said this falling maid, soldier? And there’s
A fellow armed and armoured. My good Aspies,
This strange sight so inclineth me to ask:——
Are we in the right place here?

FIRST ASPIE  We, I fear,
are not. So let us to our figs return,
And therein discover what schemes we may
That shall our deeper fascination draw
From this scene of death.

SECOND ASPIE  Ay, and leave those fools
That here remain to strive for all chance grants
To glitt’ring pride and circumstance, ere it
Betray them too, unto our chill embrace.

THIRD ASPIE  So to the figs for rest, and let’s away! [ASPIES return to their basket.]

(All cobras have Asperger’s Syndrome. Just saying.)

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